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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.