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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.