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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
You will never find the right person, if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.