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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.