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I drink to make other people interesting.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Question everything...Or should you?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?