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Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”