Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?