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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.