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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Velcro is a ripoff
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.