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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.