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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.