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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.