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I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Word for the day is asstard
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume