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Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.