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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"