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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"