Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.