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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden