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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.