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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.