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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.