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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...