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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.