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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors