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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Face down, a$$ up ... that`s the way I tie my shoes.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.