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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.