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One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.