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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.