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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.