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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.