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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark