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If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Hard butter is the devil.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...