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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.