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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
This status has been censored by Facebook
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
It’s not pretty being easy.