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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.