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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?