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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.