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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.