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"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
It should really be called teethpaste.