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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.