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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
I enjoy short walks to the fridge