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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.