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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally