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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.