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I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.