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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
I drink coffee for your protection.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.