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When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
You look like I need another drink
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.