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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."