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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”