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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face