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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
The term "bath toys" has a whole new meaning when you`re an adult
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.