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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.