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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I am the bestest at the English language...
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.