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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I look so young for my rage.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.