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Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.