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I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
You look like I need another drink
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.