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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.