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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.