Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.