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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav