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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.