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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.