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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.