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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Driving to work would be so much better if I didn’t always end up at work.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.