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If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.