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I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.