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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I only accept apologies in cash.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!